Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Can Purell be used as lube?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Randomize
