fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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