Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Pants are for mortals
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
