I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
