that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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