i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
