i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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