I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
