I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Found your dick twin last night
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
