I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
