I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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