wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
