Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Hippo gnu deer
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize