I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
