Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
