at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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