I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Of course I have a pirate flag
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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