Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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