sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
God, you're like boner-b-gone
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
