My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
