I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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