So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
