I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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