Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
