Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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