he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
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