Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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