I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
