you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm both gender and math confused
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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