I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
