I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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