Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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