so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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