I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
