I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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