Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
