This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
True strength comes from lack of pants
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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