If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
