I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I have tasted many bathrooms
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
