Will you blow on my dice?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
