worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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