apparently the secret to your success is patron
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
