I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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