I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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