you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize