I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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