I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
