I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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