my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
