My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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