I puked a lego.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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