one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize