Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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