my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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