if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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