so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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