my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
