I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
