My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
