If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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