Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
