we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
