Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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